i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My balls are so social today.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
