I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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