Is it normal to miss your booty call?
im holly from the hills drunk
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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