I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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