Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
