The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
