Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
