i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
