How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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