It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
