You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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