His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
