I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
