u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
