Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's shark week go big or go home
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
