Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
