dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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