You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
