i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
