mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
