Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
