Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
