I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
