we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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