just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
