Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
