Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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