Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
