I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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