I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
