I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize