Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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