We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Blood and glitter go together right?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
