he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Come on in and take your pants off
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