Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
