What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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