Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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