Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
