so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
