i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
