no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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