Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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