I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We had to coat check the pizza.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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