yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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