Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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