I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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