I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
