one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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