I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
