I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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