last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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