I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
