DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Who died my cat blue again?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
