Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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