Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize