Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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