I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
